Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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