Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
