remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
