even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
