Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am naked and annoyed.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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