If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
