when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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