I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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