We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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