I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
