I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
