i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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