How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
