i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
