there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
