We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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