Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
