im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
