I'm gonna have a badass scar
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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