he told me I talked like a deaf person
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
