my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
