Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
