Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
