i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
