I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
