I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
