just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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