I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
