I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
