anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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