woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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