Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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