Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
