then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
