i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
