Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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