Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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