they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My vagina is officially offended.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
