oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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