Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
