im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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