So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
