Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
