Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
