Moan for me like Helen Keller
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
