I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
