genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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