i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
