I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
