where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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