I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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