Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
